


you let my heart breathe with ease

by diphylleias



Category: MXM (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Meetings, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Snippets, i love the bnmboys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-26 00:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12047946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diphylleias/pseuds/diphylleias
Summary: “How do you write lyrics?” Youngmin sighs out finally, staring down at his empty notepad. “How do you just—I don’t know,” his fingers fumble clumsily with the pen in his hands and his hands suddenly seem too large and engulfing. “How do you just write?”“I don’t know,” Donghyun admits, after a beat of silence. His reply is off somehow; voice muted and words oddly empty. Youngmin lifts his head, but the younger isn’t looking at him. He’s staring straight ahead, eyes glued to the opposite wall with distant look in them. “It just comes to me, I guess. The lyrics—it’s more like I’mthinkingthan writing, you know? They’re just… how I feel.”“So you’re in love?” Youngmin asks stupidly, the words tumbling out of his mouth before they register in his brain.





	you let my heart breathe with ease

**i. **—**  
**

“How tall are you?” The boy asks suspiciously. He stares at Youngmin with his eyes narrowed and lips pursed, the faintest bit of mirth dancing in his eyes. The elevator doors pull together with a quiet rumble and _mystery boy_ , Youngmin’s mind dubs him, spares a quick glance away from Youngmin to press one of the elevator buttons. His eyes flicker back expectantly as he leans casually against the railing.

“Uh, I—” Youngmin fumbles with his words, feeling his eyebrows draw together despite his attempts to mask the confusion he feels. “One eighty-one?” It comes out more like a question than an answer, but mystery boy seems satisfied, breaking into a bright smile as the corners of his eyes disappear into crescents.

 _Cute_ mystery boy, Youngmin’s brain adds on helpfully. 

“Not that much taller than me,” mystery boy says breezily, looking pleased with himself. He shoots Youngmin another grin, as if they now share some sort of secret. Confusion still clouds most of his mind, but Youngmin tries tentatively for a smile in return.

Cute mystery boy presses his lips together like he’s trying not to laugh, and Youngmin _knows_ his smile must’ve been awkward. _Dammit_.

The elevator jerks to a stop with a bright tinkle and Youngmin blinks in surprise, raising his head to check the floor number.

“You’re getting off here too, right?” Mystery boy asks, and Youngmin brings his eyes away from the flashing number to nod slowly. The shine in the boy’s eyes grows brighter, and it’s beginning to look more and more along the lines of _I know something you don’t_. Youngmin debates for a full two seconds whether or not he’s brave enough to ask before the doors are sliding open and he steps out, his instinct to avoid social interaction with strangers kicking in.

Surprisingly, cute mystery boy follows, softly humming a tune under his breath as he trails behind. Youngmin speeds up, suddenly over conscious about his pace, as he makes a beeline for the practice room, but mystery boy strangely doesn’t stop following him. The hallway is quiet aside from the soft padding of their footsteps and the gentle melody the boy is still humming to. _It’s a nice voice_ , Youngmin notes, feeling like the same way he feels after listening to one too many love songs. He stops in front of the practice room door and risks a glance behind him.

“Don’t worry,” cute mystery boy says, smiling like he knows what Youngmin’s thinking. To be fair, he probably does. “I’m going in too.” In the few seconds that Youngmin takes to absorb the information and blink dumbly in confusion, mystery boy has already stepped in front of him and pushes the door open calmly, gesturing at him to follow.

“Ah, Donghyun! Welcome! Did you run into Youngmin on the way here?” Youngmin recognizes the familiar voice of the longtime staff member, Yujin, and he bows politely as he walks in. She waves him off, scoffing at the bow. 

“Yeah,” Cute mystery boy, no—Donghyun, says cheerfully, flashing a smile at Youngmin. Youngmin almost tries to smile again, before he remembers how painfully awkward his last one was and instead settles for a slight nod. He shuffles over to where Woojin and Daehwi are already standing, giving them a small wave.

“Alright everyone,” Yujin announces, loud voice bouncing off the walls. She gestures excitedly to Donghyun, who looks a bit like a giant standing next to her. “This is our newest trainee; he passed the audition about a week ago. I’ll leave the introductions up to you all, but make sure to treat him well!” She smiles warmly and Donghyun beams in response, practically radiating happiness.

“It’s nice to meet everyone,” Donghyun says enthusiastically, quickly bending into a deep bow. When he finally straightens up again he breaks into a wide smile, the whites of his teeth shining. His eyes linger on Youngmin for a beat before they flit away. 

 _Mystery boy no more,_ Youngmin muses. _But still cute._

 

 

 

 **ii.** —

“You’re gonna be sleeping with Woojin and me,” Daehwi says excitedly, gesturing to the right side of the room. The blankets are folded neatly and the pillows are appropriately fluffed up (Woojin’s doing) and it looks much more inviting than it usually does. Donghyun smiles, his eyes softening as he takes in the multitude of plush toys sitting around the perimeter of the mattress.

“It looks cozy,” he laughs out softly, setting one of his bags down on the floor. Donghyun turns slightly to look at Youngmin, a questioning look in his eyes.

“He gets his own side of the room,” Woojin pipes up, and Donghyun redirects his attention away from Youngmin. “Youngmin-hyung is too old, so he doesn’t sleep with us.” Woojin finishes explaining, snickering. Daehwi stifles a giggle and a familiar feeling of resigned fondness settles over Youngmin.

“Hey,” he sighs in his best accusatory voice, folding his arms over his chest and trying to glare. “I’m not _that_ old.” Woojin bites his lip in an obvious attempt to stop laughing and Donghyun lets out a small smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Youngmin grins despite himself when he catches Donghyun’s amused eyes.

“Youngmin-hyung is shy around new people,” Daehwi cuts in, and Youngmin makes a noise of protest. Daehwi shoots him a look as if to say _you know I’m right_. Youngmin purses his lips, feeling the slight flush of embarrassment creeping up his neck. “But he’s a big baby once you get to know him.”

“I’m not—”

“Cute,” Donghyun laughs out, raising a hand to cover his mouth and effectively shutting Youngmin up. His eyes are alight with amusement as his gaze settles on Youngmin with the slightest bit of what looks like fondness, and _I don’t even really know you,_ Youngmin thinks helplessly as he feels his face begin to warm up again.

 _You want to, though,_ a part of him sings. 

“Anyways, hyung—I can call you hyung right?—where did you say you came from?” Daehwi asks curiously, flopping down on the bed. Donghyun follows suit, leaving his bag unattended on the floor as he lays down with a contented sigh.

“Daejeon,” Donghyun replies, almost dreamily, and he folds his arms behind his head to stare up at the ceiling. Youngmin follows his gaze to the dull white of the familiar ceiling, and though he’s stared at it countless times—it feels different. “I come from Daejeon.”

 

 

 

 

**iii. —**

“B-bug, there’s—bug, it’s coming here—oh my GOD!” Woojin is a screaming blur as he dives behind Donghyun and crouches behind the latter, muttering a string of what sounds suspiciously like curses. Daehwi shakes with silent laughter from where he stands, unaffected, on the opposing side of the room.

“Is he normally like this?” Donghyun asks, pure amusement filling his eyes. Despite his barely contained laughter, Donghyun’s hand comes up automatically from his side to rest atop Woojin’s head, moving in small comforting motions. Youngmin’s not even sure if Donghyun notices that he’s doing it.

“He’s terrified of bugs,” Daehwi says gravely, looking at Donghyun with a solemn expression. He inches forward to get a better look and then suddenly there’s another blur of motion and all Youngmin hears is _squealing_.

“Wh—”

“That thing is actually terrifying, oh my god, oh my—” Daehwi successfully muffles his voice in Donghyun’s shoulder, and Woojin mutters a petulant _I told you so_. Donghyun brings his other arm up to pat Daehwi sympathetically as the younger practically strangles his arm.

“Youngmin-hyung, can you kill it _please_ ,” Woojin pleads, his voice bordering on a whine as he peeks out from behind Donghyun. Youngmin fakes a dramatic sigh and rolls up his sleeves, casting a glance at the large black speck on the wall. It’s not like this is the first time, after all.

“Aw, what a man,” Donghyun coos exaggeratedly, drawing out a giggle from Daehwi. Youngmin purses his lips, feeling the familiar tingle of embarrassment crawl up his back.

“Why don’t _you_ kill it?” He shoots out, narrowing his eyes at Donghyun. Two can play at that game.

“I am _not_ touching that thing,” Donghyun says flatly, raising an eyebrow at Youngmin. “And I have children to feed, hyung.” He nods his head pointedly at Woojin and Daehwi, still clinging tight to his shirt. Woojin makes a noise that sounds like a snort, but he doesn’t budge. Youngmin bites back his own laugh, smiling as he sighs and turns towards the wall.

The bug is, admittedly, rather _terrifying_ , but there’s a certain pressure Youngmin feels that makes him grab a napkin wordlessly and walk towards the wall in with determination. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Donghyun watching him with a lopsided half-smile on his face.

_One, two, three—_

“Got it,” Youngmin sighs out finally, gingerly holding the crumpled napkin away from his body, brows drawn together. A collective sigh of relief echoes through their small room and the clump that is Donghyun, Woojin, and Daehwi disentangles themselves with the slightest bit of reluctance.

“If Youngmin-hyung is the dad,” Daehwi declares suddenly, hands rubbing at his chin thoughtfully. “Then Donghyun-hyung is the mom.”

“Agreed,” Woojin replies immediately, moving closer to the now empty wall to examine it hesitantly. Donghyun doubles over in laughter at the same time that Youngmin starts sputtering because _what_ —

“Why am I a dad?” He protests indignantly. He’s not _that_ old, is he?

“Think about it,” Daehwi says seriously, poking a finger at Youngmin. “You kill all the bugs and change all the lightbulbs in the dorm.”

“Your aegyo is terrible too,” Woojin cuts in. Daehwi tuts disapprovingly. 

“Your jokes are also pretty bad, at least from what I’ve heard,” Donghyun adds on, wrinkling his nose. Woojin and Daehwi nod furiously in agreement.  

“See, Donghyun-hyung gets it. That’s why he’s the mom,” Daehwi explains, grinning. Donghyun lets out a soft laugh, reaching out to gently flick Daehwi’s forehead.

“Is that the only reason?” He asks amusedly, as Daehwi leans into his touch.

“Well you do take care of us a lot,” Daehwi admits, almost embarrassedly. Woojin makes a noise of agreement and Donghyun’s smile grows so bright the room brightens, just a little.

“So I _don’t_ take care of you guys?” Youngmin asks, pulling an exaggerated frown. The three of them just laugh at him, glancing at each other like they know something he doesn’t. A familiar feeling of warmth pools in Youngmin’s chest, spilling into his veins and filling his body with a cozy, comfortable thrum.

“Dad’s angry; I think mom has to do something,” Woojin snickers, looking up at Donghyun with a shine in his eyes. Donghyun slides his eyes over to Youngmin, smile wide and eyes crinkled and he looks so _happy_ the sarcastic words on the tip of Youngmin’s tongue die out.

“I can’t believe I have to take care of _three_ children in this house,” Donghyun scoffs loudly, shaking his head in false disappointment. His eyes twinkle, bright and giddy, when he catches Youngmin’s eyes.

 

 

 

 

 **iv.** —

“Again?” Youngmin asks in worried disbelief as he stares down at the lump of blankets that is Kim Donghyun. This is probably the fourth or fifth time that he’s fallen sick, and all within the span of a month. Donghyun lets out a muffled groan from under the three (four?) layers that he has piled on top of him and wiggles slightly, struggling to get out of his cocoon.

“My immune system is useless,” Donghyun croaks, as he finally pokes his head out from under the covers. A stuffy cough, and then another, and Youngmin takes a precautionary step back from where he hovers over Donghyun’s bed. “I get sick pretty easily, don’t worry too much about me,” he mutters, and Youngmin notes the unnatural redness in his cheeks and the bloodshot eyes. His stomach twists unhappily; seeing Donghyun look this distraught seems almost _unnatural_ in contrast to the usual bright smiles.

“Do you—” Youngmin hesitates for a second; _he’s not a kid,_ he reminds himself, he’s relatively sure Donghyun is more than responsible enough to take care of himself, but he still can’t help the worry that bleeds into his mind and permeates his every thought. “Is there anything you need? At all?”

“Hyung, I’m fine—really. Don’t worry about me,” Donghyun says assuredly, letting out a breathy laugh, probably at Youngmin’s concerned face. A part of Youngmin unconsciously relaxes because _oh,_ he feels so much better when Donghyun is smiling.

“Alright, if you say so,” Youngmin replies hesitantly, discomfort still fluttering in his chest. He turns slowly on his heel to exit the room when Donghyun’s arm abruptly shoots out from under the forest of blankets and Youngmin actually _jumps_ when Donghyun grabs his hand.

“Sorry,” Donghyun apologizes sheepishly, cracking another small smile. His hands are hot and clammy where they touch Youngmin’s, and Youngmin finds himself suddenly struggling very hard to pay attention to Donghyun’s voice. “Can you apologize to the vocal trainer for me? I know she really wanted to work with me today,” he sighs, lips turning down into a slight pout.

“Oh—yeah, of course,” Youngmin manages to force out, without sounding like an idiot. Donghyun squeezes his hand in gratitude and Youngmin blinks once, twice, before nodding dumbly in response. The younger’s hand is still on his, very present and just _there_ , and Youngmin wonders belatedly why they don’t hold hands more often. It feels nice—well, kind of—he isn’t really sure whose hand the heat and sweatiness is coming from anymore. Donghyun clears his throat quietly and Youngmin jolts outs of his jumbled thoughts guiltily.

“I know you really like holding my hand,” Donghyun says amusedly, cutting into the silence, “but I think you’re gonna be late for lessons.” He raises an eyebrow, nodding towards the clock.

“Wh—I, oh—oh yeah,” Youngmin stutters out dumbly, hastily dropping Donghyun’s hand. He’s grateful for a place to turn to so he can look away from the wide grin Donghyun has on his face. _8:59 am_ , it reads dully. (Or alternatively, _time to stop acting like an idiot_ ) “Oh, shoot,” he mutters, rushing towards the door. Donghyun chuckles softly from his bed.

“See you later, hyung,” he calls cheerfully as Youngmin opens the door and shuffles into the hallway. Youngmin exhales quietly.

“See you,” he replies casually, keeping his voice steady before carefully shutting the door. His hands tingle slightly, from lost warmth and disappointment.

 

 

 

 

 **v.** —

Youngmin knows something isn’t right when he hears straight up _cackling_ from the other side of the practice room. He lifts his head in confusion from the scratched out lyrics on his notepad to see the spectacle that is Daehwi and Woojin huddling around Donghyun, the three of them near wheezing with laughter.

“Oh my god, hyung—oh my,” Daehwi tumbles to the ground mid-sentence, giggles cutting off the rest of his words. He hugs his stomach, slim shoulders shaking heavily with laughter.

“Come over here,” Donghyun is calling over the noise, gesturing at Youngmin. His own smile is stretched ridiculously wide across his face, currently flushed pink from glee. Youngmin wrinkles his brow in confusion but curiosity wins him over and he pushes himself up and over to the boys.

“What is it?” He asks, raising a brow. Daehwi looks up at him from the floor and promptly bursts out laughing again.

“It’s you,” Donghyun says solemnly, shoving a phone into his hands with a barely concealed smile. “It’s literally you.” Youngmin stares down at the screen of Donghyun’s phone, where a video is currently playing.

“What?” Youngmin lets out in confusion. A weird, white, _dancing_ animal shuffles around on screen along with upbeat music and Youngmin _really_ doesn’t understand why they’re all laughing at him like that—

“His face,” Woojin chokes out, joining Daehwi on the floor in snickers after glancing at Youngmin’s (probably stupid) expression.

“It’s an alpaca,” Donghyun explains, still shaking from repressed laughter. “ _Al-pa-ca_ ,” he enunciates, his eyes sparkling like everything in the universe is right.

“But how is this m—”

“The dancing, the long neck, the—the weirdness,” Donghyun starts immediately, waving his hands around wildly in front of him as he trips over his words.

“The awkwardness, hyung, the _awkwardness_ ,” Daehwi wheezes, propping himself up from off the ground. He pins Youngmin with a drilling stare as if Youngmin isn’t six years older than him. “Everything about it—it’s just—it’s you.” The telltale heat of protest rises on Youngmin’s tongue, but Donghyun cuts in suddenly.

“It’s cute too,” Donghyun says wisely, looking at Youngmin with a small smile dancing on his lips. Woojin nods vigorously in agreement. “Cute and weird.”

Youngmin frowns, and Donghyun collapses onto Woojin’s shoulder in giggles.

“This is bullying,” he complains weakly, watching them laugh like there’s no tomorrow. Donghyun glances at him and lets out a snort, gesturing to Daehwi and Woojin to come in closer.

“ _Alpaca_ -hyung is angry,” he whispers conspiratorially, voice dropping to a low hush. “Someone search up what alpacas like to eat.” Woojin presses his lips together to hide a smile as he pulls out his phone, fingers tapping away diligently. Youngmin blinks down at the still ongoing video of the animated alpaca dancing and sighs.

Okay, maybe it’s _kinda_ cute.

“This is weird,” Youngmin says finally, eyes glued to the screen of Donghyun’s phone. Donghyun lets out a tinkling laugh and Youngmin raises his head to meet knowing eyes.

“The alpaca likes it,” Donghyun narrates, holding his fist up as a makeshift microphone. “It’s not surprising—the alpaca naturally loves cute things, you see, he just denies his obsession fervently. Oh, nature.” Youngmin’s neck grows warm in embarrassment and Donghyun just sits there _giggling_ at him, his smile only growing as Youngmin’s face begins to heat up further.

“Grass,” Woojin announces proudly. “Alpacas eat grass.”  

 

 

(“I got it,” Youngmin declares loudly. Donghyun raises an eyebrow, lifting his head up from his book.

“What is it?” He asks curiously. Youngmin grins; he has no clue what he’s in for.

“If I’m an alpaca,” he starts off slowly, “Then you’re a buffalo.”

Silence. And then—

“No. Absolutely not. There’s no way I’m a buff—”

“You look like one,” Youngmin insists, biting back a laugh at Donghyun’s wrinkled nose and incredulous expression. Donghyun shakes his head vehemently. “A cute one?” He tries.

“No.” Donghyun huffs out, still shaking his head firmly. “No way.”

“I don’t know, Alpaca and Buffalo sounds like a pretty dynamic duo to m—”

“No.”)

 

 

 

 

 **vi.** —

Donghyun won’t stop singing, and it’s a Distraction for more than one reason.

One, Youngmin likes his voice. A lot. There’s something about the gentle lilt of Donghyun’s singing that turns Youngmin around when he’s lost and directs him back home. Something that pulls the covers over him and tucks him in at night and makes him kind of incapable of thinking clearly.

Two, his _lyrics_. Youngmin always knew Donghyun was better at writing lyrics than he was but this is a whole new level; Donghyun sings softly about flowers blooming and embracing and the moon and just—love. Donghyun sings like he’s falling helplessly in love.

“You look like you’re overthinking,” Donghyun says quietly, with a soft laugh that interrupts Youngmin’s thoughts and turns them into a disorganized mush. He sets his guitar down and scoots closer to Youngmin, peering at the empty notepad in his lap.

“How do you write lyrics?” Youngmin sighs out finally, staring down at the blank page. “How do you just—I don’t know,” his fingers fumble clumsily with the pen in his hands and his hands suddenly seem too large and engulfing. “How do you just write?”

“I don’t know,” Donghyun admits, after a beat of silence. His reply is off somehow; voice muted and words oddly empty. Youngmin lifts his head, but the younger isn’t looking at him. He’s staring straight ahead, eyes glued to the opposite wall with distant look in them. “It just comes to me, I guess. The lyrics—it’s more like I’m _thinking_ than writing, you know? They’re just… how I feel.”

“So you’re in love?” Youngmin asks stupidly, the words tumbling out of his mouth before they register in his brain.

“Wh—I, no!” Donghyun splutters loudly, head snapping towards Youngmin to catch his gaze. “Is that what it seems like?”

“Yeah?” Youngmin hesitates a bit, watching as Donghyun’s eyes widen in surprise. “You always sound like you’re in love when you sing.” Donghyun lets out a little breath, his shoulders sagging slightly.

“Of course it sounds like that when I _sing_ ,” He chides, rolling his eyes slightly. “That’s the whole point—it’s a love song. It doesn’t mean I’m actually in love.”

“But you just said…” Youngmin furrows his brows in confusion. “You just said the lyrics were how you felt.”

“I mean—” Donghyun bites his lips, his mouth twisted into a small frown and Youngmin’s eyes follow the action without meaning to. “Love songs are supposed to sound overly romantic, right? So I—I guess I just take my feelings and amplify them a bit. To fit the song. Kinda. That’s how you get lyrics.”

Donghyun fiddles with his fingers, not meeting Youngmin’s eyes and something is _definitely_ off with him.

“So,” Youngmin starts cautiously, “You _do_ have feelings?” It’s the first time he’s been alone with Donghyun that he feels as though he’s truly treading on thin ice, a strange and unspoken tension hanging by a thread.  

“Maybe,” Donghyun huffs finally, and the tension dissipates. His lips turn into an almost-but-not-quite pout. “I don’t know—but it’s not love.” He sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself, and Youngmin doesn’t think he even realizes that he’s gnawing nervously at his lips.

Youngmin kind of really wants to ask more, because the fact that Kim Donghyun might be _in love_ blares in his mind like loud sirens and it makes him feel unsettled, restless. It’s not like Donghyun is obligated to tell him, but, well—they’re friends, aren’t they? Donghyun’s eyes finally settles on him with a clouded expression, and _shit_ , Youngmin has probably already crossed a line that he can’t go back on.

“Sorry,” he mumbles guiltily. Donghyun waves him off airily, usual smile back on his face.

“What about you?” Donghyun asks curiously, eyes bright and flickering. “Any romance going on in alpaca-land?” Youngmin scratches the back of his neck uncomfortably.

“No,” he says quietly, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Donghyun hums softly in acknowledgement as he slowly maneuvers his guitar back onto his lap. A small inhale in, and then he’s singing again.

He’s not singing his own song this time, but rather a mellow love song Youngmin has heard a couple of times on the radio. Enough to recognize, but not enough remember; so though the words seem distantly familiar, they hit Youngmin with unexpected force.

Donghyun has his eyes closed, and he’s singing softly about intertwined souls and shared air and keeping promises and there’s so much _meaning_ poured into his words that when his voice reverberates through the silent practice room, Youngmin feels like he’s suffocated. Something lodges in his throat and he’s almost afraid to breathe.

“See?” Donghyun exhales gently, his eyes opening and settling on Youngmin. “Love songs are always a bit over the top. But they still make you feel—well, they make you _feel_.”

And yeah, Youngmin does _feel_. He feels a lot of everything right now, his ears and mind still reeling from Donghyun’s voice. _It’s only because it’s you, though_ , he almost says. But he doesn’t, because that sounds like the lyric to a love song he isn’t supposed to be writing.

“You look like you’re emotionally constipated,” Donghyun says with a guffaw, a grin splitting across his face. “It’s okay, I know it’s hard to start. Maybe you should try writing about feeling confused,” he teases.

Youngmin swallows with difficulty and gives a tiny nod in response. If he wrote about how he feels right now, dazed and warm after listening to Donghyun sing inches away from him, he figures it wouldn’t be something he would let Donghyun see.

“I think I’ll go wash up first,” he mutters out hoarsely, clearing his throat and standing up quickly. Donghyun blinks at the sudden announcement, a look of surprise on his face, but he nods slowly in acknowledgement. Youngmin waves a quick goodbye before he speeds out of the room and into the comfort of the cool, empty hallway.

 _I just take my feelings and amplify them_ , Donghyun’s words echo in his head. _That’s how you get lyrics_.

“Shit,” Youngmin sighs out quietly, the noise cutting harshly into the silence of the corridor. Because if the jumbled mess in his mind were to be amplified right now, he’s pretty sure you wouldn’t just get lyrics. You’d get a sappy love ballad complete with full orchestration and a movie montage of all the stupid things he’s done.

 _Idiot_ , his brain laughs helpfully.  

 

 

 

 

**vii. —**

He sees it coming, knows it’s going to happen—they all do, deep down, but it still throws him off and leaves him feeling robbed and empty in the worst of ways.

They finish announcing the top twenty trainees, and Youngmin stares blankly down at where Donghyun sits, so far away from where he is up on stage. Donghyun is—somehow—smiling, chattering happily with what looks like the distant outline of Donghan. He can’t get Donghyun’s eyes to lock with his, and he feels suddenly more than just eleven ranks away. They let the trainees who have survived eliminations go down to say goodbyes, and chaos promptly breaks out in the studio.

Sewoon actually reaches Donghyun first amidst all the crowding, but upon seeing Youngmin he gives a small knowing smile and turns away temporarily to find someone else.

“Stop,” Donghyun says, rolling his eyes when he catches glimpse of him. “Don’t say it. I’m fine, I promise.” Youngmin bites his lips to stop the words of protest spilling from his mouth.

“You deserved better,” he finally forces out, voice unsteady. Donghyun sighs and grabs Youngmin’s hands from where they hang limply by his side. His hands are warm on Youngmin’s as he holds both of them firmly and squeezes in reassurance. Donghyun’s fingers coax his apart and their fingers intertwine slowly, suspended between the both of them.

“We all do,” Donghyun breathes out tiredly. “We all deserve better, hyung.” The dark circles under his eyes stand out in contrast to his pale complexion, worn out from months of constant camera exposure and grueling effort. Strands of hair stick to his forehead with sweat and exhaustion. Media coverage has damaged all of them in indescribable ways, but Youngmin doesn’t think he will ever be half as strong as Donghyun is.

“Hyung!” Daehwi yells over the noise as he near barrels into them, Woojin following close behind. Donghyun drops Youngmin’s hands in favor of receiving Daehwi’s hug, and Youngmin tries not to miss the feeling of their hands together too much.

“Hyung,” Woojin starts hesitantly, his eyes glued on Donghyun’s name tag.

“Oh my god,” Donghyun huffs out, rolling his eyes yet again. “I’m fine, you guys. I promise.” Woojin’s lips part like he’s going to say something but Donghyun shushes him violently, hands raising up to squish the younger’s cheeks. “Absolutely fine.”

Woojin and Daehwi linger a bit, gazes heavy and weighted on Donghyun. Their hands only leave reluctantly when someone in the sea of gray who looks like Taehyun waves them over. Youngmin stays, quietly watching the two of them go, knowing full well they’ll come back later.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Youngmin asks quietly, his voice barely audible even to his own ears.

“ _Yes,_ ” Donghyun says exasperatedly. But his eyes are pinned to a point far in the distance and that’s when Youngmin knows he isn’t. He thinks of Donghyun returning to the company building for the first time in months—alone. He thinks of Donghyun sitting alone in the van on the ride back and his heart tightens up suddenly and uncomfortably because the image is just so _wrong_.

“I’ll go to your dorm to help you pa—”

“Don’t,” Donghyun cuts him off, his voice frighteningly serious. His eyes meet Youngmin’s and they’re hard. Cold. Youngmin hunts desperately for a familiar flicker of amusement but all he feels is the atmosphere growing heavier and heavier around him. “Don’t visit the dorm,” Donghyun repeats, his eyes finally breaking contact and voice softening out. “You can come see me off, but don’t come to the dorm.”

 _Why not_ , Youngmin wants so badly to protest. But instead, he nods mutely and stares at Donghyun’s shoes, not wanting to look into his eyes again. Donghyun lets out a small sigh, reaching for Youngmin’s hand, and then he’s suddenly being pulled into a tight hug. Warm arms wrap around his back and Donghyun’s head rests in the nook of Youngmin’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” Donghyun mumbles, and Youngmin feels the words vibrate throughout his entire body. Donghyun smells an awful lot like everything Youngmin misses; like peace and quiet, like comfort; like Donghyun.

“Don’t be,” Youngmin says quietly in response, though he’s not sure Donghyun is even listening to him. Donghyun pulls away first, arms dropping to his sides and eyes trained on the floor. The world rages on around them.

“See you,” he hears softly, before Donghyun abruptly turns him around and pushes him away into the crowd. “Go find your other friends.” Despite himself, Youngmin feels indignation bubble up mildly in his chest.

“I’m just—” He spins around but Donghyun’s head of brown hair is already far away him, their increasing distance from one another being filled up by other trainees.

 _Worried about you_ , Youngmin thinks sullenly.

 

 

“What’s wrong?” Sewoon asks wryly, as he wiggles around and tries to find a comfortable sitting position on Youngmin’s bed. Youngmin blinks at the younger in surprise.

“Am I that obvious?” He mutters, mostly to himself. Sewoon lets out a sound somewhere between a snort and a sigh.

“You’re not, but I already know what you’re thinking about, hyung. You’re not the only one Donghyun talked to, you know.” Sewoon arches an eyebrow at him and Youngmin averts his eyes in slight embarrassment.

“I know, I just—I just don’t get why—”

“If you love something, let it go,” Sewoon recites airily, his tone dipping dangerously into teasing territory. He turns his head, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I—what—that isn’t,” A deep breath in. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” Youngmin mumbles weakly in response, pulling self-consciously at the strings of his hoodie.

“But that’s what’s written all over your face,” Sewoon retorts easily, flopping backwards to lay on the bed so Youngmin can’t see his face. “Lovesick alpaca.”

“I don’t get why he doesn’t want me to come to his dorm,” Youngmin continues readily, ignoring Sewoon. His face burns. It comes out sounding more like a whine than a question, though, and Youngmin cringes at the childish tone of his own words.

“Really?” Sewoon’s tired voice drifts over from the foot of the bed. “Really, hyung?” The younger sits up to look at Youngmin with an exasperated look.

“I—”

“His entire team got eliminated,” Sewoon says quietly, and Youngmin shuts up. His words cut into the quiet room like small switchblades slowly whittling away at the atmosphere until all that’s left is something bare and raw. “Think about how they all must feel. Do you think Donghyun really wants you to see him like that? _Do you_?”

Sewoon’s eyes bore into his and Youngmin swallows.

“I don’t mind,” he mumbles, looking down at his hands. He really doesn’t.

“Yeah,” Sewoon replies patiently, like he’d expected the response. “Of course you don’t. But he _does_ , and that’s what matters, isn’t it?” Youngmin blinks rapidly, his mind mulling carefully over the words. Donghyun cares. He doesn’t, but—well—it’s about Donghyun.

“I… yeah,” He says slowly, and suddenly he feels very, _very_ dumb. “You’re right.” Sewoon just sighs softly and shakes his head. He glances up at the clock on the wall and back down at Youngmin.

“He’s probably about to leave now, aren’t you gonna go see him off?” Youngmin’s lips part in surprise and he cranes his neck to see the time. _11:36 pm_.

“Oh, shoot—he’s probably at the parking lot already,” Youngmin mutters out hurriedly, standing up and fumbling with his hands. He hastily jams his feet into his sneakers, not bothering to tie them properly as he straightens out his sweater.

“Go, be free,” Sewoon calls out, and Youngmin pauses in his flurry of movement.

“Aren’t you coming too?” He asks, tilting his head in confusion. Sewoon just gives a small smile.

“I think you should go alone, hyung.” Sewoon is looking at Youngmin with round, knowing eyes, and Youngmin just swallows. His brain starts to create a list of reasons why Sewoon should come along: one, Donghyun would probably appreciate it if Sewoon came to say goodbye; two, he doesn’t want to be alone with Donghyun in a dim, cold parking lot. Because that would just be stressful, and sad, and—

 _Stop lying,_ a part of him laughs.

“Okay then.” He finally says, hesitantly. Sewoon gives him one final wave before Youngmin shuts the door behind him and steps into the empty hallway.

He breaks out into a near run, shoes slapping obnoxiously on the ground as he hurries towards the back of the building. The vans have probably all arrived, and now it’s just a manner of who has left already and who is still lingering in the parking lot. Youngmin speeds up.

The sound when he pushes open the back door rings harshly in the quietness of the building, but that’s immediately drowned out by the low buzz of conversation and the feeling of the cold night air on his skin. Youngmin inhales sharply, a shiver running through his body. The loading area is already mostly empty, with only a few trainees lingering. Yongguk catches Youngmin’s eyes and smiles in polite greeting, his eyes shining dully in the dim light.

Youngmin spots Donghyun easily: he’s standing a distance away off to the side, back facing Youngmin as he hunches over what is probably his phone. Light brown hair stands out in comparison to the dull gray of everything else, and Youngmin takes a deep breath as he walks up behind him.

“Hey,” he calls, voice breathy and winded from the jog. He watches as Donghyun flinches in surprise and slowly, carefully, turns around to look at him. Donghyun’s eyes latch onto his and everything Youngmin had been about to say disappears on his tongue. 

It’s painfully obvious that Donghyun has been crying; his eyes are rimmed with a blotchy pink and the tip of his nose looks glaringly red. In the poor lighting of the parking garage, Youngmin notices the weariness on his face, the slight tremble of his lips. Donghyun averts his eyes, looking at the floor with sudden interest.

“Hi,” the younger responds quietly, fingers playing with his phone case. And it’s wrong—everything is so _wrong_ about the situation, Youngmin thinks dizzily. Donghyun is never this subdued, never this sad. Never like the way he is now. There may have been words Youngmin had wanted to say to him hours ago, but now the only thing running through his head is _help_.

“I came,” Youngmin says slowly, because he doesn’t know what else to do. Donghyun lifts his eyes and the faintest ghost of a smile haunts his lips.

“Yeah,” comes the almost whispered reply. Donghyun’s eyes shine from the post glow of tears, along with the smallest hint of what looks like gratitude. “You did.”

 

 

 

 

**viii. —**

“I wasn’t gonna cry,” Youngmin says quietly, the moment the van door closes. Donghyun’s lips press together and Youngmin can feel the younger staring at him, but he keeps his eyes trained on the leather seats in front of him. “I wasn’t, but then Taemin said something to me and I just—I didn’t—”

“It’s okay to cry, you know,” Donghyun sighs out, and Youngmin pretends he doesn’t see the look of concern aimed at him. It’s easier this way, to pretend like no one cares.

“I knew I wasn’t going to make it anyways,” Youngmin laughs, but his voice comes out hollow. _Dammit_. If only Woojin and Daehwi hadn’t been held back by the staff and were on the van with them, if only the two of them were here, because then it’d be easier to push his feelings down and drown them in his congratulations, if only he was distracted, if only he—

“Don’t say that,” Donghyun whispers. Youngmin’s heart burns.

“You know it’s tr—”

Donghyun grabs his hand and _yanks_ him, hard. Youngmin lets out a string of fumbling, unintelligible noises as he falls hard into Donghyun’s chest, the younger wrapping his arms around him in a firm embrace. Their bodies are angled awkwardly in the backseat of the van, and despite the heaviness in his chest, Youngmin hates the way his heart still hiccups, ever so slightly.

“Shut up,” comes Donghyun’s voice, breathy and soft against his ear. Youngmin jerks at the noise, his ears hypersensitive.

“I’m older than you,” he says numbly.

“It’s perfectly fine to feel sad,” Donghyun says fiercely, ignoring him. His voice buzzes against Youngmin’s shoulder, warm and smooth. “You worked so, _so_ hard, and no one is ever going to take that away from you. Okay?” Donghyun pulls away, hands still on Youngmin’s, and he stares with so much meaning in his eyes Youngmin feels the flush of embarrassment settle over him.

Donghyun’s eyes are wide, his hair is tousled, the top button of his shirt is carelessly undone, and he’s looking at Youngmin like he’s looking at the whole world. There’s a pause where Youngmin just swallows, and settles for a small nod. Donghyun’s eyes crinkle softly. _Thank you_ , he wants to say, but he doesn’t really trust himself to say anything because the words bursting at the tip of his tongue sound a lot like _I really want to kiss you_.

“Let’s just go back and rest,” Donghyun murmurs. Youngmin pulls his gaze from Donghyun’s lips hastily back to the other’s eyes.

“Yeah,” he says hoarsely in response. Resting sounds nice. Donghyun’s lips part like he’s going to say something again, but they press together in silence after a moment. The air between them feels charged somehow, as if it’s ready to catch on fire at any time. Youngmin is too afraid to say anything else, so he leans back in his seat and allows for his thoughts to jumble together in a mess.

The remainder of the ride back is comfortingly quiet, as the street lights cast faint illuminations into the car against the pitch black of the night sky. Donghyun’s hands never leave Youngmin’s once, warm and constant the entire time.

 

 

 

 

**ix. —**

“Shouldn’t we be practicing?” Youngmin asks in mild amusement, though to be honest he doesn’t really mind. He watches as Donghyun pats out the blankets on the floor, a look of concentration on his face.

“It’s the weekend,” Donghyun retorts, sticking out his tongue as he grabs pillows from the bed to lay on the floor. Youngmin will never understand where Donghyun’s love for watching movies on top of layers of blankets comes from, but it doesn’t stop him from agreeing to the younger’s suggestions anyways.

Donghyun flops happily on the cushion of blankets and grabs his laptop, gesturing at Youngmin to join him on the ground.

“What are we watching?” Youngmin asks curiously as he lays down gingerly beside Donghyun. His eyes flicker towards the bright screen of the laptop and back, as he positions himself carefully. A reasonable distance away from the other boy, but close enough to still seem friendly.

“I don’t know,” Donghyun hums thoughtfully, and then he scoots closer to Youngmin, effectively eliminating any space between them. _So much for that_ , Youngmin thinks stupidly as he feels Donghyun’s warmth against his side. “What do you want to watch?”

Youngmin purses his lips in contemplation as he thinks, a vague list of possible choices forming in his head. Donghyun wiggles a little closer to get comfortable, pressing into him, and it takes everything Youngmin has to keep his brain from short-circuiting and stop himself from slamming facedown into the floor. _Movies_ , his mind is reminding him exasperatedly.

“You’re overthinking,” Donghyun says quietly, letting out a soft laugh. Youngmin flinches reflexively because it sounds like Donghyun is talking about more than just movies. He doesn’t let his brain wander there.

“You choose,” he forces out finally. Donghyun shakes his head in disappointment but leans forward to start typing something into the search bar. Youngmin squints at the screen as he watches Donghyun’s fingers press clumsily at English letters.

“It’s an American movie,” Donghyun explains, smiling. “It’s old, but I’ve heard it’s really good.” He looks to Youngmin with a questioning look in his eyes. His excitement must be infectious, because Youngmin feels a small smile bubble at his lips and he nods readily in agreement. Donghyun beams at him and promptly presses a questionably legal link to a movie streaming site.

Noise buzzes out the laptop and fills up their room as the movie begins to play. The opening music begins to play, flowing into his ears as names of people Youngmin can’t read appear across the screen. He allows a short peek at Donghyun before he refocuses on the movie and lets out a small sigh as he readjusts his position. He might as well try to enjoy the movie—it may be the last period of free time they have in a while.

Key word: _try_. Youngmin _tries_ and soon realizes that trying to keep his attention on the screen is kind of hopeless. At least, not when Donghyun makes small comments every few minutes and lets out soft laughs practically next to Youngmin’s ear. The subtitles drift in and out of Youngmin’s focus, and he mostly just settles for staring blankly at the screen as he listens to Donghyun ramble.

“-ung, hyung, are you even paying attention?” The soft light shines harshly on Donghyun’s features as he raises a brow at Youngmin.

“Wh—Yeah,” Youngmin lets out hastily, eyes flickering to briefly meet Donghyun’s. “I am.” Donghyun looks skeptical, hesitating for a beat, before he opens his mouth anyways.

“I think he lied, right? He didn’t really mean that.” Youngmin blinks at his words, eyes zeroing in on the strand of hair that sticks up from Donghyun’s head.

“Didn’t mean what?”

“That he doesn’t love her,” Donghyun sighs exasperatedly. “He lied about not loving her?” His eyes are questioning as they bore into Youngmin’s, and Youngmin just barely remembers that they’re talking about the movie. He racks his brain for an answer and finds nothing but the sound of Donghyun’s voice.  

“Yeah,” he agrees slowly. “Probably.” Donghyun rolls his eyes and turns back to the screen.

Youngmin pulls himself together for the rest of the movie. Kind of. He does his best to focus on what’s happening and not on Donghyun, because a part of his mind is yelling at him to _stop acting like an idiot_. He regrets having zoned out so much; the movie is actually pretty good despite him having barely caught on to the first half.

“He—”

“What—”

Donghyun and Youngmin stare at each other with similar expressions of surprise as the movie fades out into pleasant music, the ending credits rolling across the screen.

“So he’s going to see her?” Youngmin asks in disbelief, mind reeling.

“He really was in love with her the whole time…” Donghyun sighs out in confirmation, shaking his head. Youngmin laughs along quietly, savoring the knowledge that there is a happy ending, after all.

“What if they never meet, though?” Donghyun says quietly, so quietly Youngmin almost doesn’t hear him. The younger sets his hand on top of the laptop and closes it gently. “He can’t really drive all the way to see her, can he?” A pause, then the slight crinkling of his nose. “How far away are Massachusetts and California anyways?”

“Well…” Youngmin hesitates, watching as Donghyun reaches up to straighten out his hair. Donghyun cocks his head to the side at the silence, and Youngmin scrambles to find his words again. “I mean, at least he took the chance, right?”

His words are loud and choppy in the quiet room, and suddenly Donghyun stills.

“Yeah,” Donghyun murmurs softly. “He took the chance.” He turns to face Youngmin, and then the atmosphere is stilted, sizzling, tiptoeing across fire. Their faces are really, _really_ close, Youngmin notes with rapid alarm. It’s silent, but it feel as though there’s something unsaid hanging above the both of them, heavy and seconds away from crashing down. Youngmin thinks for a blurry, panicky moment that Donghyun is going to kiss him. He swallows, and when Donghyun’s hooded eyes follow the movement his heart starts to beat erratically.

“We should go to sleep,” Donghyun mutters, turning his head away, and just like that the moment is gone. Youngmin blinks rapidly, listening to his heartbeat thrum in his ears.

“Right,” he manages, his voice tight. Donghyun stands up and trudges over to his bed without bothering to pick up the blankets. A quiet sigh, and Youngmin watches as the dim outline of Donghyun climbs into bed.

“Night,” Donghyun calls quietly. Youngmin sits alone in the pile of blankets, which is rapidly turning cold without the heat of two people laying in it. His heart feels burned out, tired and hurt and confused and _aching_ , for something he doesn’t quite know how to grasp.  

“Goodnight,” he replies softly, staggering slowly to his feet and finding his way to his bed. He settles in, pulling the covers over himself as he turns to face the wall. His own words repeats themselves in his brain like a broken record, laughing at Youngmin.

_At least he took the chance, right?_

 

 

 

 

**x. —**

“We did it,” Donghyun says, breathless. A smile stretches wide across his face and his eyes are practically shining. Youngmin feels a similar grin take over his face.

“Yeah,” he sighs out, wiping sweat from his forehead. “We debuted.”

MXM may be only a unit, and it may be temporary, but Youngmin is still reeling from their debut showcase. The feeling of performing their own song on stage, of singing and dancing with Donghyun by his side, of debuting. It feels almost surreal, and his body buzzes with happiness as he tries to come down from the high.

The staff members give their sincerest congratulations, the two of them receiving countless pats on the back and proud smiles. It warms Youngmin’s heart, that there have been so many people supporting them for so long, and he smiles stupidly even as the stylists wipe at his sweat and insist he change and rest up as soon as possible.

Youngmin sneaks a glance at Donghyun, and finds that the younger isn’t much better. They’re both a little awestruck, to be honest, still disbelieving of the fact that they really _debuted_. That months of hard work and practice have finally paid off, and that they’re both finally living their dreams.

 _See you later?_ Donghyun mouths at him, as the stylists push him away to remove his makeup and get chanced. Youngmin smiles and nods, heart giddy as he gets dragged off into the opposite direction.

 

 

“Congratulations!” Rhymer roars as soon as he sees them, pulling them both in for a hug. Youngmin smiles into his chest and he hears Donghyun laugh happily next to him. It’s incredible, how much the CEO has done for them and been a part of the journey.

“Thank you,” Youngmin starts to babble as soon as they pull away. “Really, thank you so much, we owe so much to you, we—” Rhymer shushes him violently, shaking his head.

“I’m proud of you two. So proud,” he says, beaming at the two of them.

“Honestly, we could’ve have done it without you, thank you so, so much,” Donghyun says insistently, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Rhymer just grins, his happiness bubbly and contagious.

“You two have busy schedules starting from tomorrow,” the CEO starts seriously, and Youngmin and Donghyun nod rapidly in understanding. “But you’ve worked so hard, I think you at least deserve a small break, right?” His eyes twinkle as he gestures for the two of them to come closer. Youngmin opens his mouth, a question about to spill out before he feels the telltale crinkle of bills being pressed into his hand.

“N-no,” Donghyun sputters out immediately, and Youngmin shakes his head violently in agreement. “We can’t accept this, really—”

“You two go out and buy yourselves something nice to eat, alright?” Rhymer laughs heartily, voice rising over their protests. He scoffs at their refusal and simply shoos them away, insisting that they go out. The door to his office swings shut and then it’s just Donghyun and Youngmin standing out in the quiet hallway, each holding 30,000 won and stunned beyond words.

“I guess…” Youngmin starts off weakly, “I guess we should go out to buy something.” Donghyun nods meekly in agreement, still staring in disbelief at the money in his hand.

“We should…” The younger murmurs, trailing off. Youngmin does his best to shake himself out of the mindset of _what in the world just happened_ , so he straightens up and clears his throat loudly. Donghyun jolts a little at the sound, turning to face him.

“Where should we go?” Youngmin asks, because he honestly doesn’t know. It’s nearing midnight and he doubts any nice restaurants are still open at this time. Donghyun hums in consideration, fingers playing with the money.

“Convenience store?” He suggests, smiling resignedly. “We can stock up on snacks and stuff, you know.”

“Sure,” Youngmin says, offering a similar smile, “Sounds good.”

“Wait, let’s go grab a jacket or something first,” Donghyun pipes up, wrinkling his nose. “We’re gonna freeze if we don’t.” Youngmin blinks in surprise, before a familiar feeling of fondness settles over him.

“Okay, mom,” he says in response, laughing slightly. Donghyun sticks a tongue out at him before turning around and beginning to walk back towards their dorm. Youngmin follows, heart bursting in childish excitement.

They swing in to grab something warm, and Youngmin almost laughs when he sees that Donghyun has also chosen a black hoodie to pull on.

“We’re matching,” Donghyun says, grinning as he eyes Youngmin’s sweater. Youngmin feels stupid when his heart jumps a little at the comment, so he just settles for a weak smile in response.

They set out for the convenience store a few blocks away, two dots of black sauntering down the street in the middle of the night. Donghyun must be more sensitive to the cold than he is, because the younger sticks close to him as if he’s trying to steal body heat. Youngmin tries to just the focus on the road in front of him.

It’s oddly quiet between the two of them, but it’s more of a comfortable silence rather than an awkward one, so Youngmin doesn’t say anything. They enter the convenience store and Donghyun makes a vague noise, nodding towards the sweets section in indication before he quickly separates from Youngmin. Youngmin makes a beeline for the instant noodles.

He takes his time picking out snacks, thinking carefully about things that last long and items that both he and Donghyun like to eat. His basket grows heavier and heavier with snacks that are honestly so bad for them, and he’s doing a final price check on all the things he has when Donghyun pops up behind him, grinning.

“Hyung, I finished picking stuff out. You done yet?” He asks cheerfully. Youngmin peeks at the other’s basket and sees a few of his favorite brands. He smiles softly despite himself.

“Yeah, I think I’m done too,” Youngmin says, and together they head towards the counter. The bored teen at the cashier sets her phone down and as she eyes the two of their baskets, seems like she’s going to have a headache.

“Thank you!” They call out earnestly to the cashier as they exit the bright convenience store. She offers them a weary smile in return before returning to her phone, and then they’re back out in the biting cold again. Donghyun fishes out a bag of gummies and pops a few in his mouth as they begin to trudge back to the company building.

“You couldn’t wait until we got back?” Youngmin asks amusedly. Donghyun just huffs, the tip of his nose adorably red as he continues to chew on the gummies. They fall back into a comfortable silence as they walk, with only the occasional sniffle or cough to disrupt. Youngmin lets his thoughts drift hazily between _debut_ and _Donghyun_ , and he almost misses it when Donghyun stops walking.

“Hey,” Donghyun says quietly. Youngmin stills, backtracking a bit too stand next to him.

“Hm?” He hums absentmindedly, watching as the flickering street light dances across Donghyun’s face. The younger lifts his eyes from the ground to Youngmin’s, and his expression is unreadable.

“Why didn’t you kiss me that one night?” Donghyun asks softly, and Youngmin’s world crashes down on him.

He knows what Donghyun’s talking about, of course he does—he’s thought about that night too many times to count. Where the air between them had felt charged with _something_ , where he had gone to sleep feeling empty, where he knows he couldn’t have been the only one who felt it. But now, Donghyun’s words are needles in his chest, because saying it aloud makes everything so much more _real_ , and so much worse. Youngmin’s mind goes blank as he fumbles for a response.

“Why didn’t _you_ kiss me?” He blurts out unthinkingly, staring at the ground.

“Well,” Donghyun says hesitantly, his voice strained, “I am now.”

Youngmin brings his eyes up in surprise and then suddenly Donghyun is kissing him, lips warm and languid against his and Youngmin’s eyes slide shut reflexively. He tastes like candy, like Donghyun, like everything Youngmin has imagined kissing Donghyun would be, and he’s pretty sure Donghyun can hear his heart hammering wildly in his chest.

Donghyun pulls away first, eyes bright and lips just barely swollen. Youngmin can hear the both of them breathing hard in the silence of the night, and they stare at each other for a moment before Donghyun looks away, ears pink.

“I got tired of waiting,” he says, sounding breathless. Youngmin winces a little, aware that he’s probably bright red.

“Sorry,” he apologizes stupidly, his chest tight and body giddy with happiness. Donghyun shakes his head but he’s smiling, and he leans in to quickly kiss Youngmin again.

“Let’s go back,” Donghyun sighs, and he grabs Youngmin’s hand, twining their fingers together and tugging at Youngmin to start walking again. Youngmin blinks dumbly, staring at their hands, before looking back up at Donghyun again.

“Wait,” he says, and when Donghyun pauses and looks at him in confusion, Youngmin kisses him.

Donghyun lets out a small noise of protest, hands flying up to Youngmin’s shoulders, but he doesn’t push him away. Youngmin’s tongue swipes between Donghyun’s lips, and the younger almost lets his lips fall open in a sigh before he’s pulling away, breathless and batting weakly at Youngmin’s chest.

“Stop,” Donghyun whispers, voice hoarse and breath uneven. “We really need to go back.” Youngmin feels dizzy, his lips still tingling as he stares at the other. He barely processes the words coming from Donghyun as he stares at his mouth, pink and now definitely swollen and his mind is absolutely spinning.

“Okay,” Youngmin coughs out, his neck warm despite the cold air. “Let’s go back.”

Donghyun slowly takes his hand again, and they walk back to their dorm quietly. Everything is warm and comfortable, and when they reach the entrance to their room, Youngmin forgets to drop Donghyun’s hand so he ends up trying to grab his keys with the same hand that’s holding a heavy bag of snacks.

Bags of instant noodles and chips tumble to the floor and Youngmin stares at them mournfully for a few seconds. Donghyun laughs and squeezes his hand in response. 

“Idiot.”

Youngmin just smiles.  

 

 

 

 

 

**xi. —**

(“I knew it,” Daehwi announces smugly, as he eyes them. Youngmin hastily pulls his hands away from Donghyun’s grip, face hot. Donghyun lets out a small, embarrassed laugh next to him.

“Mom and Dad finally got together,” Woojin whispers loudly to Daehwi, snickering. Donghyun reaches for his hands again, and Youngmin lets Donghyun fold their hands together, warm and cozy and right.

“Yeah,” Donghyun says, laughing slightly. “Finally.”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *inhales* i love mxm and bnmboys so much they deserve the world!!! if you made it to the end you're amazing ily and feedback is always welcomed <3 i also got kinda lazy w editing so i apologize for any errors lol
> 
> title taken from [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/7GWaGnbGZEg1Pquhr07cVz) ♡  
> p.s. the movie they were watching is good will hunting haha


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